Random. Cuz its some stuff that are compiled together.

i know by saying this... you'll react by saying sorry, trying to be better, wanting to change and finding other options to handle it... but im telling you straight that i want things to stay how they are... i like it this way... im comfortable with it... if your not.. tell me... i promise you ill make you feel comfortable... now this is totally random and it came from everywhere... so dont have a narrow mind..

Voice: hey there.
Me: hey.
Voice: do you know what are you going thru?
Me: why dont you tell me?
Voice: you msg in school. you keep her close. you never leave the phone unattended at all. all you do is stick to the phone.
Me: is that bad?
Voice: what do you think? i dont like you msging in church. i dont like you sticking wit your phone during my lessons. i dont like you using the phone when your eating. everything has its time and place.
Me: it does? then im telling you straight im keeping her with me. i dont care.
Voice: you play dota, your with the phone. you try to sleep and your still with the phone. why do you do that. why dont you tell her that you want to stop and rest?
Me: i dont want to. i cant afford that.
Voice: you cant afford that? are you thinking properly?
Me: why? do i sound childish?
Voice: yes. you act childish too.
Me: im dissapoint everyone. including you uh? i am thinking properly and i cant afford to stay away cuz thats all i freaking got.
Voice: oh really? why say so? hmm?
Me: there's not a single person in my head that i could go to comfortably. everyone has their own stuff to do. own time to spend. better person to spend with. more important things to attend. i need her like my only type of medication that keeps me in one piece.
Voice: so what bout your studies? hmm? day in day out. i ask you to study and what do you do? 20% studies 50% games and the rest on music. what is gonna happen in your future?
Me: all i know for sure. god will be with me. so as she.
Voice: how do you really know she wont leave you? hmm? the option for her to just pull the plug with you is there. she can do it anytime anyday whenever she wants.
Me: im just putting all my trust and faith into her. who else can i put all those into? plus. things with her aint small puppy stuff. i know the risk of her pulling the plug anytime is there but i choose not to see it.
Voice:hmm.. do you know i always want the best for you?
Me: i do. although it doesnt show on your face cuz its always so serious i do.
Voice: do you know you can be a very good servant of god?
Me: i do. but then again.. i still want her very very close..
Voice: you say you love her. you like her so much. but its very amusing to me that you're always hyper and happy whenever you're going to see her or just met her. but when its time to go. you bleed. and bleed. and you try. so hard not to project it.
Me:i cant help it. who can? izznt this what you call long distance relationship?
Voice: think. keep thinking. dont stop. always keep your head together.
Me: go away. i only want to fill my darn brain up with her. all i think about is how do i get to see her. again and again and again.
Voice: think.





why. why do you always say that your not good enough. why is it that you think your not good enough. even when you're with me. why am i so good and perfect thru your eyes? why am i different? why does it hurt so bad? why must parents always screw up my day? why must they make days that suck even more suck-ier? why cant i see you everyday? why cant i be the bad guy? why am i always the one hearing you cry? why am i the one pushing you to work harder indirectly? why do you put up with me? why am i running out of cash? why am i so in love? why must life make it so so difficult? why must you be strong and just take everything? why dont you express every single thing instead? why cant things be easier? why am i like this? are you having difficulties in the relationship? do you always have to be strong? do you need time for yourself? do you need me to be less sticky? do you want me to be more loose? sigh. im sorry. it hurts so so so os very much. can you come patch it up and stop it once and for all? i wish i could see you asap. i miss you. ill never stop loving you. ever.

The Ups. The Downs. And the shit.

Hey... I know im bloggin quite a lot these days... i have my own reasons..
Rite now.. again... I still do feel like im running out of time and i cant do anything about it..
I am constantly thinkin bout whether if we do get to meet up before you go..
But you and I know that its hard for you to get past your parents...

Im sorry that we have this distance problem..
And all this while i never compliment you much..
Well now is the time i do so...

I-L-W-R.
I like it when your being yourself and not faking.. ( i hate fakers. Lolz )
I like it that your an amazingly pretty girl that like just landed in my hands..
You might not see how pretty or beautiful you are, but just ask ppl around you...
Just anybody...
They will say that you do really good and attractive... Trust me...
Most of them will say that and im sure of that...
Dont let words bring you down, dont ever ever let that happen..

I like it when you laugh..
Cuz when you do, you laugh like a 3 year old and it really shows that your genuinely happy...
I like you a lot cuz i seem to find characters i dont find in other girls..
Honestly you have a strong heart that had withstand a whole lot of hurt and you're really patient with me...
We never quarrel and thats good..
I thank you for actually letting me in to you..

I like the way you dress and all.. It always attracts me.. No matter how simple or complicated..
I know saying this is odd but its just cuz i dont have a good sense in fashion? Lolz... Im a lazy guy..

I like how you treat me... I really do..
Different ppl treat me differently..

I like it when you pour out to me...
Telling me what you think bout certain things...
I never want you to stop telling me things...

Well there are lots more of other stuff but i dont wanna say it now.. =P
And here are some of the things that i feel... ( to dear readers you must be thinking * oh here we go again * )

I dont like it when you get bullied...
I dont like it when you get hurt..
I dont like it when sometimes you just suddenly cut of from me...

I seriously want to go to your past... Really..
Undo everything bad thing that happened to you...
Even the smallest thing...
* by watchin some show * They say ' Change the past, you change the future '
And lets just say that rule applies and i do get to go back to your past..
I dont mind if i dont get to be wit you..
As long i know... Your enjoying your life...
From childhood to teenager-hood...
Cuz without all these bad stuff happening to you..
Your like would just be perfect..
And a girl like you just deserves at least a nice childhood..
Without fears traumas and scars that are still visable...

I decide to blog again cuz i may never know when will you get to read my blogs again...
You might be busy with school.. And friends... And books..
Im not prepared for whats to come.. Honestly..
I really wished that all good things dont come to an end... Life would be so screwed up...
I really love you... I just put all my hope in you..
By bringing this up I hope you dont stop doing it but..
Whenever you say you want my hug.. or anything like that..
I just feel so dumb and useless... Its not like its a mission impossible..

Why does the thought of 2 weeks coming always come to me?
Why does it always bugg me?
Its very very annoying..
Its tiring me out...
I wish... i just really really really wish.. The days that we plan to go out works..
It would just suck like hell if it doesnt..
And it would double-ly suck if i cant be there for the farewell thingy..
Its so retarded that i dont live nearby... I know..
Its so easy for you to go out with your friends at the hosp..
So so retarded...

I want to be the 1st person who have sticked to you and never go..
I dont want you to go either...
But its hard for me to make you wanna stay with me...
Cuz im not around often..
I dont want to depress you.. Im just telling you whats going on in my head...
I want this relationship to work out really well no matter what no matter when or where we are...

I want you to be with me.
Really.
From the bottom of my heart.
Just dont leave me.
Plz remember that i exist and that i love you.
Please...

Its way too quick !

Its the 15th... again...
4 months in...
All i think about now is bout the future...
Not the far future but just a few months ahead...

I...
dont want to make things difficult for you...
But yet i dont want you to go further...
All i think about is how do i get to see you more often...
How is this gonna work out.

Its just not fair at all cuz there's always something to stop us from msging or meeting...
Time is seriously passing way too fast rite now... Way way too fast.
You will be moving in 2 weeks plus time..
It hurts.
Really.

I know that you'll be fine...
That you'll enjoy and do well..
But i wanna be there.. Every single day.. So that i dont miss out on you.
It just aint gonna happen like that uh.

You say you wont go.. Ever.
So im just holding on to that... Cuz thats all i have..
You have really captured my heart..
Are you here.. to stay?
Are you?
I want to be wrapped in your arms... By then all these thoughts will turn to dust.
I know i will be ok..
Is there anything that might seperate us?

Whenever i see you..
My hands are always outstreched towards to you...
I feel you in my fingertips...
My tongue dances behind my lips... for you...

My hands float up above me...
Then you whispered that you love me...
Then i began to fade into our quiet place...
The music makes me sway...
Im alone with you... I just want that..

I can feel you all around me...
I told you bout the voices i hear... and the things i see when i close my eyes.
I never want to loose that feeling...
It makes me feel that your near.. your close... your with me.

No matter rain or shine... Snow or drought... Monsoon or moonsoon-less..
I will be there for you... Physically... I promise..
I dont really deserve you...
Im never there for you.. Its only always by the phone... Its bad...
I want to do so much... I want to watch over you... Take over your heart...
Show you how much i love you... forever..

I wish for so many things... So so many... but only 1 has came true...
That is that im together wit you..
Other than that... Every other wish was a waste of time and hope..

Hey.. I really dont what else should i do..
But i just want you to rest... Rest your brain la... And your heart... And worries..
Just let your future fall before you.. Learn to let go..
I hope i do still exsist in your future...
I've been thinking bout eternity wit you...

I know this is long.. Im sorry...
Im sorry that its gonna hurt you when you read this..
Im just a dumb dumb..
For now.. All i ask... all i ask is just to spend as much time as i can with you...
Just with you.
Only you.
The only one.
And only.
That i want time to pass with.

Its just so retarded that time pass instantly wit you..
In a way it shows that im enjoying myself...
But on the other hand, the day just wont last any longer...
Im telling you.. That im sticking to you.. That im here for you..
When i look into your eyes.. Everything just turns heavenly.. Turns to beautiful... So nice..
When you hug me.. The pain, sorrow, and frustrations just fades slowly...
I like it when your around..

Im sorry for disappointing you a lot..
I wish i could be a better guy..
You say your a trainwreck.. I totally disagree..
If you still think so..
Then im here to say i wouldnt love you if your not the trainwreck your are now today.

I'll be here for you..
I believe in you..
I really really miss you like crazy right now..
Im either super active or super down and just am really lazy to layan anythin when i miss you..
Sigh..

I need you next to me..
So close that i could smell you..
I just wanna to get to you...
With you i can breath.. I really lega when your around.. Really.
I have to find a way to satisfy my soul... That hunger for you..
Im never complete and never 1000% happy when your not with me..
Its late...
Shall continue some other time when i feel like it..
I miss you..
So much..
So extremely much.. and im afraid of the future..

xxx
I love you.

Its Just You.

I dont know how else to express myself to you
All i could do is use these words
But words are just useless without actions

I miss you so much
Its like i can never get you out of my head
Your all I just want to think about

Im really sorry that im really hard to get
Its just stupid that i dont live near you
I know how much easier it would be if i was nearer

Im sorry that i hurt you a lot
I just keep trying my best to make things right
But it dont seem to be working

Its okay if you dont reply my text
I just want to know that you're okay
I dont want anything to happen to you

All i ask from you is never ever to leave me
I dont care if you cheat on me
I just never want to you go

I would really miss your presence
It would just hurt so bad
So bad that it just turns into a scar that will never go away

I like everything about you
I need you every second
Its just exactly like a drug, my own drug

Im sorry i disappoint you a lot
Im sorry if you feel that i didnt appreciate you enough
Or that im not treating you well enough

I just need you a lot
I need you to hug me and never let me go
I need to feel your warm embrace again

Im on my knees
Begging
In tears

That you come
Heal these wounds
And never leave

Im sorry that the world just makes it so difficult
I wish i could do more
I seem really hopeless

I dont think you will come and read this
But
If you do, dont cry

I love you a lot
So much
So very much

Your all i got
Your all i have
Your all i want to have

I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
Im so sorry.
That you had to hurt.
I hope this lasts forever.

For You People... Heh...

Okay okay... I guess... Its my turn to update my blog... havent been bloggin... ppl scolding me ah !... Well... The past holidays were great ! * seriously * Although byk stuff ade berlakuuuu... but still was great... Did lots of crazy stuff... no joke !... Now for something more personal... Why when someone start to miss another someone's presence... Both of them has to hurt...? Its just not fair... And sometimes i think to myself.. " Why the eff did i ever start to go and start the frienship or what ever ship when i know its gonna end up hurtin?! " Aihhh... Well at least its a thought that can keep me occupied when im dead free... Sad part when im thinkin bout it... I'll miss that someone more and turn emo... Life's complicated ! ='(


New year... New leaf... New me... ' thanks ' to jack ky and kenn... i seem the same to them... 100% the same... never change even a bit... hanye aq sendiri tau je... and come to think of it... CNY coming... Bday coming also... Weird thing bout bday's and me is... during them past holidays i keep showing up for bday parties but i aint the bday feller... LOL and i now i really miss bday parties... never actually had one... supa nice childhood eh? LOL... what to dooo... parents cakp... AIYAAA bday only maaa ! nothin so special... ppl give you present... go eat cake then come back... each time i hear this i was stunned and had a confused look on my face... anywayz... i purposely update my blog justtt to satisfy some ppl... not much to say... which is good rite? Dont have to suffer reading my stupid complains and all... heh... ok then ! Peace In !!! * oops * i mean err OUT ! xD

Dont have to read. Just dumb feelings and thoughts. Serious.

hey all... well to those that read my blog... here i am... doing nothing at this late hour... while its raining... blogging... blogging nothing about anything else but what i feel... i dont see a good reason why a reader should continue reading this cuz its just plain out no sense... but this is all i got now... its late ive got nobody to msg... nobody's there or maybe nobody's bothered cuz they are just so worked out about their life... so what the heck...

****************

Yea this may sound freaky but... i learnt something after spending all of my time listening to every word that came out of the show ' Gossip Girl ' ( hey cmon i know its like a girl's show but what the heck im dead free ).... i know the show is rather bad i guess? Cuz of all the backstabbing the lies and so on... but izznt this life? One day or another im going to experience stuff... plus some stuff just might have happened already and im kinda thinking bout it... so what ive learnt 1st? i know lots of shows have said this already but be who you FREAKING ARE ! here's the sense if you so happen want to be like that person so much... why is it so difficult for you to be like that person? the answer cuz everyone's different... being different is good and bad.... i dont wanna go there yet... ok i admit i really really admit... i did stuff just so i could fit in... dont ask me what dont ask me who but i did stuff... now im kinda regretting... im asking myself why and for what? i dont think its doing any good to me tho... so im trying just trying to change to find more of the real me i guess... as a start... i love music and im not regretting it... i just wanna find more of that... and i really gotta throw away habits i picked along... thats where my friends come in... there's once where i was being too loud? and 4 of us were in a small car... and for her being a shy girl i kinda am thankful and was really shy at that moment... she shouted like hey ! can you just not shout ! we are in a small car ! we can hear you !.... so i was like speechless... its was rather funny tho... but here's one thing... its really really easy for someone to change just to fit in... and that change might destory you... as in seriously destory your whole life... so get friends get lots of them... if they have bad habits or something you dont like... dont avoid them cuz you'll never know when you gonna need that person... plus dont over-use your friends its not a good feeling to feel being use... been there... hmm... what else... ohyea... i want to thank my friends? for being there... i know sometimes they cant be, they have something more important or just is not available... or maybe shit happened to them or they just got really fed up of life... well's here something i would say.... by the way its my 1st time saying this... advice your friend or whoever who's really down... say go out... go to the place where you will always be positive always happy and never think of stuff thats happening... im not saying that you run away from problems... im saying you should go fix it with a clear mind... get tensed up wit the problem and you just might screw up more... so i think imma gonna stop... i just wanna take time out... and maybe call some friends... talk to them instead of msg... well thats all for today i guess.... untill then... ill just think of life.... ( should i do this? fine... just for fun ) xoxo? Valor... no need for comments i guess...

Mis-Understandin...

Err.... the people im mentioning about the outting to mid valley... Izznt Joanne and Yuli... Told them alreadyy... but they dont seem to believe me... Well... itz somebody else okay? Not from Radiant Life Assembly... So please dont say the wrong stuff... I dont really like mix-ups...

Upsets In Life...

finally? i came to blog? hmmm.... to be honest... i just come to blog just to throw out my feelings i guess? since nobody ever comes to read it... ppl just come , post something at my cbox which is so cacat... then ciao... so bloggin is the only place i feel good enough throwing things out... i dont feel right telling these to my friends... might become a nagger to them... aihhhhh

why must parents be parents? my dad keep on saying... Ruben be a grown boy la... dont just look mature but think still like a child you want ppl to repect you right... then few days later he come complaining to me bout his job or my mom... i cant really say anything... plus whenever he's giving advice... or just saying anything for that matter... he'll sure end up talking in a very angry tone as though as im the one wrong... then when i speak back... he say... eh you got no respect for me ah... your now trying to defend yourself and not admit that your wrong okay... dont think your a know it all... this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME ...! IM SO F**KING SICK OF IT... im forced to be a block of wood saying yes yes yes and agree-ing to no matter what my parents complain to me about... how's that nice !

then there's this one day... i wanted to go out with my friends... since i tak dapat tengok muke dia dah lama... could have been nice to just see her and her friends again rite? so i asked my mom... can i follow or not... she say... No cannot... stay at home study... dont kacau ppl fetch you here and there... then i pulak senyap... dont want to make so much noise till my dad gets involve so... tak pe la... since i figured out they goin mid valley last minute... or plus maybe i dont know them that well? they just want to spend a girl's day out or something or they dont want me around...? AH tak tau larh... so i leave it... then i wanted to go to sunday youth that same day... asked my mom... mom said no lahhhh dont go la... stay at home study... just one more month only what.... so okay fine... pmr... study lorr..... aihhhhh then around 4pm... my friend from aus i think... called me... asked me to go jusco.... then now i try ask my dad... dad say no lah im tired and you better dont waste your time la go study better.... then im like... wehhh he come down from aus larrr... then my dad goes like... YOU WANT GO IZZIT OK GO... LET GO... I DONT CARE WHAT HAPPEN... YOU WANNA GO SO BADLY RITE GO AND DONT COME BACK.... so i didnt go... called my friend say i not free...

i know lar... there's nice ppl there i kenal... but i dont really feel rite telling them all these... no point also... another thing... dont know how many ppl notice this but i seem to mix a lot with ppl older than me... like 17 ke 18 ke 19 or 20+.... really really weird... so i pulak like them... take lots of interest in them... but i guess it doesnt show? i feel they treat me as a 15 yr old just cuz my parents still have rules... and they'll get really mad and make the nicest outting days turn into the regrettin that i go out days... they say they wanna treat me like and adult... thats soooo much bull...
and also... these days ive been really trying to fit in with ppl... i dont think thats working out rite... so might as well stick to the same friends?... ISHHH dont know lar ! i want to mix around but im just not fitting in...? ohyeaaa..... to anyone around my age or feels the need to keluar with friends rite... when they say " Next time we ajak you go out with us again okay? " Trust me ppl ! it will never ever happen... till a very long time... then it baru happens... the thing is... is either they just wanna spend time together , dont want you/me around , or they memang not free cuz your life izznt the same as theirs.... when they are free your busy studying... when you are free... they got exams.... so all we/I can do is just wait... wait very very patiently till it comes again... by then... i dont know what to do then to live in music.... well errr if anyone does read this or anything... post either in the comments or cbox lar... thx... ( PS just letting go how irritated i feel thats all )

C-L-I-C-K-ing with people !!!

elowz all~ im just figuring out... how other people just can have sooooo good friends in a snap of a finger... im like super amazed by it... cuz i dont have a lot of close friends though... sad eh? whats wrong with me ! TELL ME ! someone ~ ! Aihz... or is there a list of things to do to have a good friend... AH ! just tell me !!! * help? * =(